The most hated man in Boston. Some say they hate him. Some say he’s charming. Some say he can’t be forgiven for the
mistakes he made in his past. Some say
he is innocent. Some say he deserves to
die.
“Man, I’m wicked glad I’m not that guy!” – Whitey Bulger
on Affleck being cast as Batman
That’s right, folks!
My prophecy has come true. Those
of you who know me well have frequently heard me make the claim, “Buddy ol’
pal, one of these days Ben Affleck will unite the people as one!” Well… hate to say I told you so. Partly because it sounds smug and also
because I’ve never said that thing about Affleck uniting anyone… ‘til now*.
*You'll get the full effect by doing your best Christian Bale Batman voice while saying "til now"
Anywho… By now you’ve heard the story, found it wasn’t a
prank, and then proceeded to read/listen to everyone’s attempt at being the
first to make the “Matt Damon as Robin joke”.
However you learned, we were all somewhere when the news broke. Some of you were folding laundry. Some of you were in class. And, let’s face it. Some of you were probably absentmindedly checking
Facebook on the toilet. Just like when
Kennedy was shot. Wherever you were, one
thing suddenly became clear as day:
everyone has an opinion about Ben Affleck. Everyone and their moms. And holy virtual crap, Batman… most of them
are negative.
In all seriousness, maybe we shouldn’t be discussing this
in all seriousness. But in
half-seriousness, let’s all take a breath, calm down, have a snack, and listen
to Old Uncle D ramble on for a few mildly amusing paragraphs. Before we go further, however, in the
interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I am an Affleck fan. It’s true.
We’re out there. We look just
like you. We’re your bankers, your
teachers, your Wal-Mart greeters… I think… I hope.
In my humble opinion (…because as you know humble opinions are always expressed by amateur
bloggers on the web for all to see…) there are a few things that we should take
into consideration before we start writing petitions to the White House about…
huh?... what’s that?... seriously?... well, we should look at them anyway.
“No one’s worse than Ben Affleck!”
First of all, you’re wrong. You’re wrong and you’re fat! Okay, that was out of line. But still, he’s not as bad as the faceless
mobs on the internet would have you believe.
You may have some weird personal vendetta against the guy, but just
because I don’t personally like Milli Vanilli doesn’t mean those guys couldn’t
sing something fierce. Go ahead, try to
blame it on the rain.
“He’s made some crappy films!”
Patton Oswalt already beat me to the punch when he stated
“Yeah, the dude’s made some bad films.
Every actor has. Every actor
does. Every actor will.” On top of that, not a lot of people have handled
their failures with a braver self-depracating humor than he has. By the way, if someone offered you a few
million dollars to be in a twisty, action thriller with Academy Award Nominee
Gary Sinise and have a love scene with Charlize Theron… you’d probably say yes
and worry about it later as well. If you need more proof though, check this out: Top 10 Affleck Performances
“Remember ‘Daredevil’…”
This one, I will give it to you, but maybe not for the
same reason. Whether it had been a good
movie or not, I’m just not a huge fan of the same actor playing separate
superheroes, at least within such a close time frame. There’s just something about The Human Torch
and Capt. America being played by Chris Evans (even though I liked Evans as the
Star Spangled Man with a Plan) or Ryan Reynolds playing Deadpool and The Green
Lantern (even though I like Ryan Reynolds) that irks me.
“Affleck’s just not dark enough!”
Come on! You think
you had a rough week? Affleck apparently
invented time travel only to accidentally travel back to 2004. Guy is on top of the world, winning Oscars,
married to Jennifer Garner with three kids, finally got passed that level of
Candy Crush that’s been holding him back for weeks… and then BOOM! The internet fills up with Afflection (a word
similar to affliction to describe the hatred people feel specifically towards Ben)! As if losing everything… his career, his fiancé, his dignity… as if
that wasn’t enough ten years ago, he’s getting a clear reminder of how cruel
anyone with a keyboard and internet connection can be. Maybe that’s all this is. Maybe America is just trying to help him get
into character.
So in conclusion, you don’t have to be excited about the
Affleck Bat Flick. I wasn’t when I
heard. Then again, I wasn’t angry
either, just surprised. He might be
good, he might be not so good. But if
you can learn anything from casting choices in movies, it is that no one, no
matter who you cast, will guarantee a good movie. Even if you got Christian Bale back it’s not
a sure thing or even if you somehow convinced someone like… I don’t know…
George Clooney to play Batman. I kid, I
kid.
Let’s all just be happy that if you can care even a
little bit about this, life ain’t that bad right now. Oh, and lastly by the way, since when did
people suddenly start saying “Man of Steel” was such a great movie in the first
place?
Yours,
Gorilla Man
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