Sunday, April 10, 2011

Rated D #8 - Red Riding Hood

  • Once upon a time, a little movie was made. Two unsuspecting moviegoers happened into the theater and gazed upon the screen. As the credits began to roll, one said:

  • What a lackluster lead you have! ...All the better to bore you with.

  • What a loose vision you have! ...All the better to annoy you with.

  • What a serious script you have! ...All the better to make you laugh with!

  • With that the film ended, leaving us all underwelmed ever after!

  • Last weekend, I went (begrudgingly) to see a movie called "Red Riding Hood." SPOILER ALERT: It sucked - er - I mean, on the brink of becoming a woman, a young girl searches for the true identity of the werewolf terrorizing her town while wrestling with her obligation to marry up versus her love for the lowly lumberjack.

  • You can tell the film adaptation of Little Red Riding Hood is off to a bad start when you find yourself rooting for the wolf instead of the townspeople and, trust me, it doesn't take long to get to that point. "Red Riding Hood", the newest film from "Twilight" director, Catherine Hardwicke, might as well have been a piece of fan fiction from that very series. It sounds like a great idea - retell a classic tale and pump it full of hormones and special effects - but in the end it hardly passes for a decent episode of Tales from the Crypt or Are You Afraid of the Dark? Attempting to tap into teenage love and lust is a surefire way to get your young audience to show up, but you have to give them at least a little credit. The dialogue is funny at best in all of the worst ways while the action is predictable and boring. Lastly, the actress who plays Valerie, aka Red Riding Hood, is the young starlet, Amanda Seyfried (Mamma Mia!, Letters to Juliet). She has made a name for herself starring in strong female leading roles, but the unfortunate thing is she is not a strong enough actress to carry these movies. Her best work in my opinion is still the cute, dumb friend in "Mean Girls". Seyfried and those big fish eyes were perfect for that film, but her perpetually exasperated personalities create shallow, one-note characters that weigh down her films, even one as light as this.

  • To Tie It Back to the Health and Fitness...

  • With all of those werewolves running rampart through the town, it is important to remember to stay up to date with your shots. Whether your dangers are more likely in the form of rodents or stray dogs, you never can be sure when the blood moon might show up, sending hungry, bloodthirsty werewolves into your town. Remember what our great president Franklin Delano Rooselvelt said, "They've found a vaccination for polio, but when it comes to werewolves, your best form of offense is a good defense." Were truer words ever spoken? ... for legal purposes I should probably say yes.

  • "Ok. I'll help you. But if you're the werewolf... I'm going to cut your head off!" Shiloh Fernandez as Peter

  • Technically Speaking...

  • This film is a disaster from start to finish. Erika put it best when she said, "I knew it was going to bad, but not that bad." Even great actors like Gary Oldman (The Professional, Immortal Beloved) and Virginia Madson (Sideways) stick out like sore silver finger tipped thumbs as the melodramatic actors who seem to be the only ones in on the joke. The romance is hardly there, the suspense deflates quickly, and the special effects are distracting. All in all, this one shouldn't have strayed from the path, into the pointy branched, cinematic forest where of bad movies litter the wayside.

  • Review - I give it 2 brooding teenage stares out of 10

  • Still Haven't Seen It?

  • The Next Three Days- When every legal effort to prove his wife's innocence expires, a mild-mannered father and teacher (played by Russell Crowe) plans to break her out of prison and actually get away with it. A lot of critics were hard on this film for taking a long time to get the breakout, but that was my favorite part. The careful planning process and emotional strain put on him and his family is necessary to believe that this guy would do what he ulitmately does. Written and directed by Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby, Crash)

  • Next time on Rated D:

  • Paul - Simon Pegg, Seth Rogan, and a whole lot of misused profanity

  • Gorilla Man

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