I shall defend my review in the only way I know how: filled with sarcasm and smarmy wordplay.
I don't actually think you need to be a cinematic expert to enjoy or dislike any movie. There are tons of "amazing" movies out there that lots of people find to be awful or boring. Just look at "The Reader" or "Sideways". Film, like all art, is subjective and opinions are meant to be formed, for better or worse, by each individual.
"'Romeo and Ethel, The Pirates Daughter' - Oh yes... I know... I know..." - Shakespeare In Love
You seem to be hung up on the idea that there were only a couple of car chases in a movie named "Drive". Titles do not always equal a quantity, sir. For instance, "Jurassic Park" only featured one island filled with dinosaurs yet you were still satisfied... "Schindler's List" is a singular term yet there were in fact many lists and that movie is beautiful. If you're claiming that the movie can only be good if the title is in a direct corrolation between itself and what the character does in the film, how do you explain the popularity of movies like "Saving Private Ryan" where they only save Ryan once or "Chasing Amy" where we in fact never see anyone named Amy get chased? A more appropriate title might be Looking for Private Ryan. Couldn't it be, perhaps, that the title not only refers to car chases, but also his future stock car driving endeavor that wraps him up with the bad guys, his long drives with the family that he almost pretends is his, or maybe that "Drive" refers to motives and reasons for actions? Maybe it's a bit more like "The King's Speech" which not only refers to the speeches he gives throughout the film, but also the debilitating speech impedement which he must overcome.
The character is strange, I will give you that. But how normal is a billionaire playboy who vanishes to southeast Asia, only to return to a city where he uses military equipment to become a vigalante who dresses like a giant bat who grumbles and mumbles his way through bad guys and seeks Morgan Freeman for guidance? (For the record, I'm referring to "Batman Begins" not "The Shawshank Redemption"... wait... no that's right...). It is an unusual take on our main character, but there really isn't much of a reason for him to be a Chatty-Cathy and besides in my review I did mention that the long silences do pose problematic questions in regards to his social relations but I think there are plenty of women out there who would still invite Ryan Gosling in their home even if he could only speak the word monkey in Spanish, let alone not talk. BTW The Spanish word for monkey is "mono".
"God, help you if you're wrong." "If I'm wrong then we're at war... and God help us all." - The Crimson Tide
After developing an attraction to his innocent, struggling next door neighbor, he develops a fondness for her and her son. Maybe the idea of playing house gives him hope that he has finally been able to connect to someone or something instead of just sitting alone in his car waiting for bad guys to hop in and run from the police. How can you not root for him when he offers to help the parolled husband repay his debt to the mob so that they won't murder the kid and the girl. It's like Eastwood in the "Unforgiven", we know he's done horrible things, but we still root for him. Or how about Butch Cassidy and Sundance? They're bank robbers and bad guys, but we still laugh at their jokes and hope they get away with it. If the main character in "The Town" was John Hamm we'd think the movie sucked if Affleck got away at the end.
"Do I look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one! I just... do... things." - The Dark Knight
I'm confused, sir. You say that we know nothing about The Driver, yet you claim he does things that are out of character. How can you assume to know how someone would react when you have admitted yourself that you don't understand them? Isn't it strange to say that you are dismayed by his decision to be silent and disagree with his general demeanor, but then expect him to act according to your definition of a "normal person". Besides, haven't you heard the old axiom, "Mo money, mo problems"? Just look what happened to Billy Bob Thorton and Bill Paxton in "A Simple Plan".
"Maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out." - As Good As It Gets
As I fine blogger once said "There's somthing about Drive that keeps your eyes on the road and stops you from hitting the brakes." You mentioned it was good that the movie ended because you were about to leave which would indicate that you remained in your seat until the end of the movie. Therefore, something, as unexplained as it might be, kept you in your seat. Why not leave earlier? You hoped it would get better? The idea that there can be hope would imply that it is not a lost cause. If it is not a lost cause, it cannot have been terrible. If it was not terrible, you're statement is a hyperbole and, sir, I would never do that in a million years. Please note the ironing. And the pun for irony. Not to say the pun was ironic. It was more gold-ic. Ok, I'll stop.
I would like to see the statistical polling analysis and I would like to find the .63 thumb. Is the thumb pointing only partially down, or is that the extent of which a thumb measured at .63 can be extended in a downward angle? I would actually like to see dates and times of this vote as well since I find it hard that you would have the ability to poll so many people. Even if you allowed each person two thumbs to vote with, this would still imply that you polled approximately 3,625, 954 full thumbed people and one oddly disfigured person.
"A desk of Cheez-Its? A desk... Where are you getting these units of measurement?" - Family Guy
This movie should be rated D? Come on now. I assign movie ratings on a scale of one to five with a different object with each movie. Rating a movie as "D" would change the scale and the value. It'd be like Roger Ebert giving a movie 1 thumb up and two ham sandwiches in a garbage can. That doesn't make any sense, Poindexter.
"In America it's bling-bling, out here it's bling-bang" - Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling, though he shares a certain weight, build, and symetry that western culture has deemed to be attractive, shares no similarity to a diamond. Not the shape, nor the actual stone itself. Have you ever seen a diamond, Ryan? It's clear. Can you see through flesh Ryan? Would you wear Gosling on your finger, Ryan? Do little dwarves mine for Goslings in children's fairytales? No, that hardly ever happens!
So, in closing, the movie is not perfect. It is a random story about an unusual guy caught in an extraordinary situation. Like I said, it is an acquired taste, but so are the mind-numbingly stupid parodies like "Epic Movie" and "Date Movie" which continue to make millions. I didn't view this as an amazing movie or give it a ringing endorsement, but I don't think it was as bad as you're making it out to be. So don't treat me like a Gorilla Boy... Cause I'm a Gorilla Man. Gorilla Man!